Judges Say: Not Crazy!

One question I get asked a lot is how many meds I'm on day to day. Most days, actually, I'm blissfully drug-free. It's those four or five days after chemo that are the kicker.

As chemo has progressed, my side effects have unevenly but noticeably worsened. My old friends nausea and fatigue intensified, and some new guys came to join the party, like headaches and pins & needles in my fingers. With each side effect comes a new pill. Most of these pills have side effects of their own, a few of which merit additional pills.

Before I start the IV at chemo, I swallow 4 'pre-meds' - 2 anti-nausea, 2 steroids to keep my energy up. Before my feet hit the ground on the mornings after, I take a preemptive anti-nausea pill. If I'm still feeling naush, there's a backup anti-nausea pill. Then there's a pill that combats anxiety, insomnia, and, yup, nausea; this pill is a triple threat. Then there's the Oxycodone for pain, which I take very sparingly because it turns me into, well, a different (perhaps slightly more entertaining) person. Please don't rob me now that you know the thousands of dollars worth of pharmaceuticals in my possession.

After chemo number 6, I was too nauseous to even hold down the anti-nausea pills - a bit of a conundrum. Yesterday, my doctors prescribed a whole new retinue to add to the anti-nausea arsenal, involving another first-thing-in-the-morning-pill and twice daily steroids.

The thing is, I'm struggling more and more with anticipatory nausea. The smell of the soap in the hospital, the smell of some foods, the thought more than the actual act of the syringes in my arm, all trigger a revolt from my stomach. The worst, for me, are the pills. Sometimes when I pop a pill bottle, a medicinal smell escapes, making me feel incredibly sick. If there's no smell, I imagine one. If there's no taste to the pill under my tongue, I attribute it with a terrible taste nonetheless. If there actually is a taste, then forget about it.

To me, these are all signs that I need to cowboy up and get out of my head a little bit. My doctor explained, though, that "It's not all in your head! You're not crazy - you're going through chemotherapy." The human body, which continues to amaze me, has the capacity to associate sensory phenomena like smells with past experiences - and actually try and mount a defense that is as much physical as mental. This was a huge relief, but when he presented me with the alternative of being hospitalized more frequently to receive the anti-nausea drugs intravenously, I had to say thanks but no thanks. Instead, I've been gathering more homeopathic (and delicious) suggestions. I liked the idea of swallowing pills with chocolate pudding, or perhaps with soda, or even ice cream!!! Some coffee anti-nausea ice cream for breakfast does not sound bad at all.